October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic violence affects everyone, impacting lives across the boundaries of race, gender, and class. For some people, the issue of domestic violence can raise feelings of discomfort and discourage further dialog when this topic arises in a conversation. Unfortunately, when shame, stigma, or fear silence conversations about domestic violence, this issue becomes invisible and unspoken despite its pervasiveness in our society. To continue the conversation and learn more about this complex and challenging topic, we interviewed one of our case managers who works on the front lines serving survivors of domestic violence.

CH: What are some of the causes of domestic violence?

DVCM: Well, most of the survivors I work with are immigrants. Living in a new country, there’s a lot of economic stress, there’s a lot of anger, and there’s often a lack of communication in families. If they don’t have an advanced education, it’s really hard for them to find a job and raise their kids. On top of that, beating up the wife, beating up the kids might be accepted in the culture they come from. So for women, they feel they have to live with it because it’s normal. So the cultural factors and also the lack of communication.

I have some clients who met their husband for the first time when they arrived in the United States. They thought that they could have the American dream, that it would be a new life. But once they’re here, they meet their husband who is sixty or seventy, much older than they thought. And because the husband is a citizen, he has the power to say, “I gave you the green card that lets you stay here so you have to listen to me.” So because of that power difference, there’s a lot of abuse happening.

CH: Do you ever categorize your cases?

DVCM: Even though we don’t want to, we sometimes have to put the abuse into levels. So the starting level could be verbal abuse like yelling or name calling, and then it goes up to emotional abuse. They will control you by not allowing you to go to work, have friends, or have a bank account. They also might threaten you with taking away your green card so you will get deported. The most intense are physical and sexual abuse. The reality of our work is that we need these levels to create priorities for deciding which survivors to connect with the limited resources out there. For instance, legal support is really, really hard to find for our clients because of the lack of legal staff, and we don’t have access to any attorneys who can speak Chinese either.

CH: How do you support survivors?

DVCM: People sometimes call us “The everything person” because we provide case management, which includes accompanying them to court hearings, to the attorney’s office, and to resources such as legal support, shelter, and counseling. We also provide a lot of emotional support.

We have to partner with many different agencies to provide all these resources. I will refer clients to a shelter or legal support, but sometimes the shelter is full or there’s no attorney. So there’s no place to go. I sometimes have to be the translator at the attorney’s office because no one there speaks Chinese. I spend most of the time keeping track of the process.

CH: What is different about working with the Chinese American immigrant community?

DVCM: It’s different because Chinese culture values saving face. When talking about abuse, people will avoid using that word because they think it’s shameful. If there’s abuse happening in the family some will try to hide it and not let outsiders know.

I remember asking a client, “Have you thought about divorce?” She blamed everything on herself, thinking if she divorced it would be her fault for separating the family. So that requires some consideration. It might take a long time for them to decide to leave the abuser. So I have to be patient and give them space, because it can be tough for them to open up to a professional about something so personal.

CH: How do you help survivors heal?

DVCM: Developing a trusting relationship is really important since the clients put their trust in us as professionals. So whatever we say they take very seriously. I always tell them that it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to think that it’s not fair.

I’m there to help them talk it out, and to help them identify different emotions. A lot of my clients have a hard time talking about emotions, but talking things through with them is a really good way to provide healing. Also sometimes they will talk about how religion has helped them to get out of the situation. If the clients want me to pray for them, I do offer prayers since Cameron House is a faith-based organization.

CH: How has your work impacted your clients?

DVCM: I’ve seen a lot of people start a new life after they get a divorce and leave their abuser. A new life without fear of going home or having to be constantly aware of the reactions of their abuser. Some of them have no connections here, no friends or family. That’s why in addition to case management we also have a women’s support group. We provide a space and time for them to talk about life and parenting, make new friends, and also do a lot of self-care activities. I’ve seen people stay in relationships where they were sad and hopeless. But then after they leave the abuser they have a chance to change, to develop a new life of their own. That’s why we spend a lot of time in our support group for survivors talking about parenting style and how not to spread their anger to their kid. Even though they have survived domestic violence, the trauma is still with them. And without prevention, they will just pass their trauma onto their kids, and the pattern will keep going on.

CH: How do you keep yourself from burning out?

DVCM: When I started this work I took it very seriously. Sometimes I told myself that I had to provide as much as I can to the clients because they’re going through domestic violence and deserve my best work. But that caused me to burnout. Sometimes I would text with clients after work or even in the middle of the night. If they called me while I was at home I would pick up the phone, and it was really stressful and gave me anxiety. I learned that setting boundaries is really important, and that after five o’clock, I have to leave everything at the office and just go home.

CH: Is there a stigma against speaking up about domestic violence?

DVCM: Yes, I see people avoiding the issue of domestic violence whether it’s happening to them or people around them. Many people don’t know how to deal with it, and they’re afraid to deal with it. They just keep everything inside and think they can deal with it in time. Sometimes they fear that by bringing up the issue, they will be seen as the one causing the problem.

Some people want to seem like everything is alright, so when domestic violence comes up they will say how it’s none of their business or it’s unrelated to them. There’s so much fear and so many people don’t want to talk about it.

CH: What about your work gives you purpose?

DVCM: I find a lot of meaning in helping people with the same background as me. I came to the United States as an immigrant and had to adjust myself to the American culture, so I know how challenging it is.

Immigrants who speak limited English might hesitate from asking for help since so many service providers can only speak English. So I really want to be a bridge. I want to let them know there’s always help here and that they can find someone who speaks the same language and who will be able to understand them. What they have been through in their life is really challenging, and that’s why it’s hard for them to talk about it. That’s what gives me a sense of purpose working with domestic violence survivors.

Sometimes when I talk with clients I learn their living situation is really bad. They’re living in a tiny, single room with five people. It’s really hard to imagine. When you see where they’re living, it makes sense why the violence is happening: there’s no way out. When the husband is back and he’s angry, everything would happen in that very small space. Once you’ve seen that, you don’t take what you have for granted.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Cameron House provides case management services for survivors of domestic violence in English, Cantonese, Mandarin, and Vietnamese. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please email info@cameronhouse.org, call (415) 781-0401, or visit us at 920 Sacramento Street, San Francisco and ask to speak to a domestic violence case manager.